I suppose I would say that I am greatly changed.
Let's start off with the fact that I write this for me, but obviously also for everyone that will never take the time to read it (thank god, because most of my rants are ridiculous). But publishing something on the internet somehow gives me the sense that it is beyond me. That I have shared it, even if no one ever sets eyes on it. It becomes something different and freeing as opposed to the introverted cyclical mess that presents itself in a book that stays on my nightstand and is never opened.
So change. I began to think of how different I feel in general, and how far yet I have to go, and the feelings just escalate into comfort.
Why comfort? Well, I suppose it is because it reminds me that I don't really know anything except what is happening RIGHT NOW. And I never know what will be and it makes me feel like I'm not in control of the future.
Yes, that is comforting. Ok, wait. Let me explain.
I makes me feel like I'm not in control of the future, only because "the future" is ALWAYS so far off. It never ACTUALLY happens. Because EVERYTHING is in the present. So essentially, I shouldn't have to worry about it. And really, really, REALLY, should anybody worry about anything at all? Ok, this is sounding either really spiritual or really immature.
Immaturity. Sometimes I think that people view young individuals as unwise, impulsive, and prone to mistakes. Anything we do, whether thought out or not becomes a consequence of our age. If we can think for ourselves and relate with ideas that go against society and the culture bred into it, then we are only young and foolish. We are told that we will learn better. Or should grow up. But you know what? There isn't a growing up. There is a going on. Everything just continues. There is no point where we stop and say, "now I am grown and the growing and learning can stop now because I have what I need to continue living and will need nothing more."
The truth of the matter is that we are changing.
Changing our ideas and interests and motives and loves and plans. Why should we stay set on one thing?
What the fuck is the point of that?
If you want something, you make it happen until you don't want it anymore, or have further interest in something else. And there is so much out there, so I EXPECT to change.
One day I want to go to Mexico, the next I want to re-learn the piano. One day I want to kill my ex-boyfriend and the next I miss him. Is that wrong? I'm not saying not to think things through.
And I'm not saying that I KNOW everything either.
But I don't want someone to tell me how to act because I haven't been there (in the possible situation at hand), and maybe I'd like to. Another person doesn't know how I'll feel being in that situation. And every experience is meaningful, no matter how devastating or beautiful. And if they don't like it, then they have the choice of doing what they want with those feelings.
No one is my responsibility.
And when I have kids, they will be my responsibility because I want them to be. Culture fucks it all up. Culture makes us feel guilty. It makes us want certain things and despise others. It makes us feel required to say "Bless you" when someone in the vicinity sneezes.
And again and again I come back to the idea of right and wrong. Which there is NONE of without culture. Culture drives us and I'm a bit afraid of it. I'm a bit afraid of myself, and of everything to tell the truth. Which is the issue. I cannot stop the fear because I'm reliant on culture's standards to tell me whether what I'm doing is sufficient. Am I a good person or a bad one? Is my life wasted or not? And I'm starting to think that NO ONE should answer those questions for anyone's standards but there own. And if I'm doing what I want, I'm not wasting anything. Although being human gets in the way of a lot of ideals, I can still look back and remember that I once knew "better" perhaps. I hope I never grow out or up or whatever the fuck they want me to do.
I want to keep fumbling along forever, because I certainly don't know anything and no one does.
I want to measure myself by MYSELF.
By my OWN standards, which of course cannot escape culture but can at least be conscious of it's rein and attempt to be aware of its persuasion in my decisions.
So this is where I'm changing. The old fears still reside, and the instincts tend to take over, and guilt or pride or shame or embarrassment or discomfort weasel their way into the manner in which I choose to continue stepping into each present moment.
And if I were the same girl I would want to say that I HOPED one day to stop thinking so much and just start doing what I need to do to be me. But the newer-ish me remembers that the word "hope" is just another way to worry about the future and try to direct it. So I guess I don't really want to "hope" anything.
I just want to BE, because it is certain that I will cease BEing at any given moment.
And "I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to."